PEACE LIKE A RIVER

         Do you really think getting an MRI is necessary? I mean, I feel fine lots of people have little growths on there liver and there usually nothing to worry about, and an MRI is expensive. Yes, you have three kids you are young and the ultrasound shows that it's big. I'm not quick to go overboard with test either but this time I think it's important. This was the conversation between me and the GI doctor several weeks ago. I agreed and two days later had an MRI. After having the MRI done I came home we all jumped in the car and headed for the state farm show, mamma needed a milk shake and some fried food.  We had a blast! The kids loved it, and we even snagged a close parking spot which trust me is a big deal at the farm show. On our way home my phone rang and I saw it was my family doctor, I knew if they were calling that fast with results something was off. The MRI showed this mass is really large and should be monitored. "How are you feeling?" She asked. I told her I felt fine but had been feeling like I had something stuck under my ribs for a really long time. I just figured it was from pregnancy and otherwise I felt great. After talking a few minutes it was decided I should see a specialist to get a second opinion. The first choice hospital did not take my insurance, but a more local large teaching hospital did. The office said they would work on the referral. They called back and said the first appointment available wasn't till March 30 which at the time was over three months away. I decided to call the GI doctor who encouraged me to get the MRI that I was going to blow off in the first place. When I left his office a few days earlier he said to call or message him if I had any questions. He personally called me back and said I have a friend who is a surgical oncologist, gave me his number and said call him and tell him that I gave you the  number. Still thinking this would probably be no big deal and I was just being thorough and getting a second opinion I called him as soon as we hung up. They surprisingly had an opening the following week. Go figure the day before my appointment two of the kids started with the stomach bug. Not wanting to ask anyone else to watch them Blake came home and watched them while I went to my appointment. I was totally fine going myself still thinking it was not going to be a huge deal. The doctor couldn’t have been nicer but turns out what we had been thinking would probably just end up in me needing to get it checked again in a few months to be sure it hadn’t changed ended up being a big deal. He looked at all my MRI pictures and explained everything in detail. This large mass on my liver not only was taking over a large part of my liver but was right next to a main artery. He explained two different possible surgeries that could be done and the good chance that I may also need bypass surgery to have the mass removed safely. He too said he had a friend who was a transplant surgeon which is who I should see since it involved my liver. His office would call her and set up an appointment and let me know the date and time. As it would turn out she worked in the same group as the doctor I was scheduled to see March 30.  I walked out of the office got in the car and burst into tears. My first thought, you have got to be kidding me!!! I just had surgery 6 months ago now my husband and kids have to deal with me in the hospital and recovering again. I called Blake who kindly said it will be OK lets see what the transplant doctor has to say. By the time I made it home the the oldest of the three had now started vomiting as well. So now that all three kids had the stomach bug my brain flipped a switch,  I needed to take care of them and process my thoughts later. The next day they called with my appointment date and time to meet with the transplant surgeon. It was only two weeks away. I hung up the phone and text my best friend asking if she remembered this surgeon and if I was in good hands. She said yes she remembered seeing her do surgeries during med school, and she was really good.
        The night before my appointment with the surgeon I was with a few other women, everyone was going around sharing things they needed prayer for. I love hearing other women share and knowing how I can pray for them. I however often feel like I don't want to bother anyone, or my issues are not a big enough deal to ask for prayer, and this was in no way the most difficult thing I have faced in my life just another bump in the road. Plus I'm one of the lucky ones they are confident it's not cancer so what do I have to complain about. That said I know that God cares about even the small details of our lives no matter how small they may seem. I started saying things are good glad the kids are healthy again. I was going to just leave it at that but this night it was a smaller group, so I worked up the nerve, kinda smiled and said well there is something going on. Knowing what I was going to say would stay confidential and just with these few women until I said otherwise. I started explaining what had been going on and explained that there were two possible options, one less invasive and one major surgery that would keep me in the hospital for a week with a long recovery. Followed by me saying my husband and kids need me I can't have another surgery with a 6 week recovery again. I felt so selfish for my thoughts still in my mind thinking why am I complaining it's not terminal, and praise God it's not one of my kids or my husband!!!! Yet I still left feeling like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
         Blake went with me to my appointment the next day and the less invasive surgery was not even and option. I will need more more than half of my liver along with the mass removed. This means about a 6- hour surgery followed by about a week in the hospital. Oh, and I can't lift my 7 month old who is into everything right now for 6 weeks! At this point only our parents and sibling knew what was going on, and the few women who I had asked to pray for me the night before. I left feeling surprisingly at peace and accepted what was going to happen. We told our parents and sent text to siblings letting them know the date of surgery. Almost immediately Blake's sisters and sister in laws called or text asking what will be most helpful and what days can they take turns with the kids or help with household task, and they haven't stopped asking or checking in since.
       We live in a fairly small town word spreads fast 😊 I have had so many people offer to help and say they are praying for us ,and ask how I am feeling about things. This has been so incredibly humbling for me. I never ever would have openly shared this and I had even tried to keep it as much to just us and family as I could at first but the prayers have been felt in a way I have never experienced and God is so so good. I had recently asked a close friend if she would ever write or share her story because I feel she has an incredible story to tell of God's grace and work in her life. She just simply said yea if it could encourage or help someone why not. Well, it encouraged me to share a part of mine.
      I know prayers are what have been giving me this overwhelming sense of peace the last few weeks and I think praying for healing can mean different things. In my situation the healing has been for my heart and soul. Healing from any anxiety that could have taken over, I'm not an anxious person but something like this could have changed that. Or healing of pride and not wanting to accept the prayers and help that will be needed during recovery (this one is still a work in progress). A song I sing to my kids that I remember from Sunday School as a kid is I've Got peace Like a River, that is the only way I can explain how I feel. My mom informed me of a conversation she had with my grandpa who said Becky really does seem at total peace with this surgery coming up. Don't get me wrong I hate the idea of being in the hospital away from my kids for a week and not being able to pick up my sweet baby boy for 6 weeks is going to kill me! Not to mention I am notoriously a terrible patent and following post surgical instructions is not my strong point. However, it could be worse. I have been blessed with a husband who is positive, supportive, and we both are able to have the point of view that it could be way worse. We have been able to see all the incredible blessings in this and the way God has had his hand in this accidental finding. Never would I have thought that the first choice hospital not accepting my insurance would be a blessing, but it was. At my most recent appointment one of the nurses could not believe I am having the surgeon that I am. I was informed that her being the chief of transplant surgery meant that taking on my case was not something she would often do and said someone must have been pulling some strings. I will be several weeks into my recovery by the time March 30 comes and would have only then be getting a second opinion. Thanking God that I have support from friends and family, and peace like a river in my soul.